
Some days bring slivers of enlightenment and a peculiar sense of awareness that I'm not even half-way there to wherever it is that I need to get to in this crazy life of mine. To complicate matters, I don't really feel "worthy" of enlightenment (even in micro-nano-uber-nano-decimated quantities beyond molecular or sub-atomic particles). My self-esteem, however, is bolstered by my dharma lessons, which the lamas, roshis, and His Holiness, himself, profess in chant, meditation, and sangha, teaching that even a dog possesses budha-nature. My answer to these wisest o' wise men is..."ruff, ruff."
There has to be a constant reinvention of myself, my creativity, and my goals. At work, I'm easily frustrated by the mundane, robotic, mechanical, and routine nature of operations. In rebellion, I constantly write one-act plays and comedic routines in my head to entertain my staff. They surely think I'm slightly insane, but I remain confident that they don't take my sense of humor for weakness or sheer stupidity. Well, maybe the stupidity part...I'm not sure now. Anyway, laughing at oneself is mandatory for my puzzled staff.
Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truely a practice. [Shambhala Sun March 2006 ]
Beyond work, in my personal life, I have to come to terms with my own insecurities, guilt, and conflicted emotions. I flashback to painful moments in my life, face the situation again, and analyze the results. There is much I want to say out loud in a quiet room sometimes but then there's just an empty space on the the inside. I could be standing in the middle of Madison Square Garden and still it wouldn't really matter. There's always the empty space. Before bedtime , I whisper names in the dark during prayers, hoping and knowing that the universe hears my wishes for the safety, love, and care of beloved ones. Universal spirit, spirit guides, God or whatever one may call it...I pray to something bigger than me and my minuscule problems. Love for the sake of love and nothing more, Thich Nhat Hanh teaches. Expecting love in return is what most of us do; why play if there is no pay, right? But from a Buddhist approach that is not real love. Loving someone or something and expecting nothing back is difficult until the heart and mind work in unison, and the bigger concept is manifested in the present moment. It's a universal concept, I believe. From, say, a Judeo-Christian p.o.v., we can reason that even Jesus Christ, himself, gave his life for love without any expectations; agape, comes to mind.
Nevertheless, beyond religion, politics, and even philosophy or humanities, love is really the powerful force that moves people, the world to greater heights. I think that is truly wonderful. But, again, it must all start with the individual. If a person cannot love himself or herself then surely loving others is virtually impossible. I've had to learn this the hard way throughout my life. So I guess when I'm whispering names in the dark and praying (even for my enemies), I should pray for myself too. In doing so, I learn to love my own heart when others either cannot or do not want to.
There's so much more to learn, to discover. A lifetime, indeed. It's a constant battle, a struggle. If I am a platoon then I must care for every man; no one left behind. Therefore, I reason, I cannot leave myself behind. It's a daunting task, loving thyself. Next step? Be true to thyself, but then again that's a whole other blog entry.
Peace out, grand universe, and high five to the spirit guide that keeps me alive.
My Simple Prayer
Thank you, spirit guide. Thank you ancestors. Thank you Buddha for the wisdom and compassion that we all possess but are not awakened to in our unfulfilled lives. Keep me alive another day to see my mission through, giving me the precious chance to complete the circle of this life.
I want to see my loved ones before I go. I want to change my enemy's heart and hold our hands in prayer once before I go. I want to forgive myself completely and change this sorrowful life that I have poisoned with ego, vanity, and hate.
If given the right to live and serve others, whereupon I can honor my parents, I will be released from this life's cycle of pain. In doing so, I will take good karma with me into my next life and with love and compassion, perchance, may I see my loved ones, again. I dream of sitting with them as we sip tea, laugh, cry, and hold each other before a fading sunset.
This I pray for with all my heart and commit to as a mother guards her child with her only life. Keep me aware of my mission, bring good people into my life, and allow me to return such goodness from deep within my heart.
I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the Dharma. I take refuge in the Sangha. The Three Jewels, I hold forever. Knowing this, I rest my head upon clouds and sleep in peace.
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